I have a story to tell you. It’s going to make some of you uncomfortable. It’s about rape. And if that’s triggering to you, I get it. You don’t have to read any further than this.
In college in the mid-1990s a friend of mine was raped. We all knew the guy. He was just a guy. Nothing creepy. Liked to party. Was kind of cute in the grungy 1990s way. But nothing about him said, “Warning! Stay away!”
She was at a party with some of our friend group. He was there and since we knew him, she hung out with him. They were having a good time. Both had been drinking. She reports to have been drinking quite a lot. He said, “Let’s go back to my room.” She said, “No, thanks.” But she was too drunk to fight him off, so back to his room they went. None of her friends saw him take her.
But she said no.
I remember her sobbing later as she confessed what happen to her in the hush of my neighbor’s dorm room. “I said NO.” As if that should’ve been good enough.
And it should have.
That week, our RA called in a rep from the campus’s women’s safety group. We were taught about not walking alone, how to use pepper spray, how to thread your keys between your fingers, to shove the palm of your hand into an attacker’s nose, different keychains you can get that are also defense weapons, the number for campus security. We got a full syllabus of how to protect ourselves.
The guys’ floor had … no one talk to them. Even after campus police came to take his statement, not one official or concerned citizen came to them to talk about consent, or rape culture, or the fact that women aren’t your property or playthings to do what you want with. That “no” abso-fuckin-lutely means NO.
They were taught nothing. Or, if anything, they were taught to keep quiet. To keep each other’s secrets. Because the guy was barely prosecuted. He said/She said. We don’t want to ruin a promising young life.
This is BULLSHIT.
Because a promising young life was already ruined and she deserved justice.
And before anyone says, “not all men.” Yeah. Totally. Not all men. I married a “not all men” kind of guy. I’m raising two “not all men” boys. But it always is men.
We all know a promising young life. 1 in 4 or 5 women (depending on the study you ready) has been or will be sexually assaulted. Teach your boys women are human beings. That “no” abso-fuckin-lutely means NO.
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