We dropped Child The First off to begin his second year of college on Thursday. I, of course, was immediately brought back to last year, crying as we drove away from dorm. That first year, I was a swirling storm of emotions. Simultaneously thrilled he was starting a new phase of his life and mourning how quickly my baby was growing up.
This time, I was all smiles. I knew what to expect. The stretch of the the rubber band that connects us is now familiar.
As I drove away, I thought about what we should’ve done the first time that made this second time easier and came up with 4 things that helped us all survive.
1. Share Your Expectations.
As parents we have hopes and dreams for our kids. We ache at their losses and trip ups. We’re elated at their successes. But the training wheels are off now. Your kid is heading into the big leagues. Do they know what you expect of them?
Animal House.
What kind of grades to you expect? Do you expect to see their report card? What and how many clubs do you hope they try? What kind of balance between fun and work do you think they should practice?
What about drinking? And drugs? How about sex? Do they know where the health services office is if they start feeling depressed or anxious? These are hard, awkward conversations, but they’re necessary. Especially, if you haven’t had them before.
Go into this knowing they are now adults. They might be in college now, but our opinions, beliefs, concerns, and expectation still matter. Even if they’re dismissive in the moment, they still hear us. Your expectations matter, but they are no longer The Law. You’ve already spent the previous 12 years instilling your expectations about school work and morals into them. Time to see how well they’ve learned those lessons.
2. Have a Contact Plan
One of the most frustrating things from last year was a lack of response to my texts. I talked to some parentology friends and they recommended establishing a Contact Plan.
Photo by Porapak Apichodilok on Pexels.com
How many times per week will you text or call? How quickly do expect them to answer or return your call? Is there a difference between “how you doing?” and “administrative texts” (i.e. I’m scheduling your dental appointment during your break, does this time work for you?) What day(s) should the parents expect a text from the child? What information do you want from them?
The three of us sat down and decided he’d text us one day a week. So on Sundays, he texts us and gives us a quick run down on his week. Club meetings, fun dinners, tests, etc. Just a nice small window into his experiences and a bit of proof of life.
This keeps my anxiety managed and prevents me from bombarding him with texts. My incessant texting made him feel micromanaged even if he wasn’t answering them. His response was to shut me out to try and establish a firmer independence. Knowing that I could expect a response every Sunday and if it were important helped our relationship a ton.
3. Set the Budget
College is where a huge number of students discover credit card debt. A good friend of mine was $20K in debt by the time she finished school in 1996. She just paid off that credit card in 2021.
One of the most important things a parent can teach and model is fiscal responsibility. Take them with you when you shop. Talk about what you can afford to spend on groceries this week. While they’re in high school, give them cash and have them shop for their school supplies and beginning of year clothing on their own.
But, we’re past that now! They’re already settling into their dorms! So, talk to them now. Are they getting an allowance? How much and how often? Have they worked and saved all summer so they’d have money to spend on campus? What is the total amount they’ve saved? How much is available to spend each week on fun? Do they need to get a part-time job?
And talk to them about credit cards. They’re basically a micro-loan and not simply free money. Let them know you can definitely use your credit card, but you need to pay it off each month. Then show them how to do that in their bank app. You can make this part of your check in with them each week.
Financial health is so important and college is a critical time to learn those lessons in very concrete ways.
4. Be Patient with Silence
You’re used to seeing your kid everyday. Or, if you’re co-parenting, often enough that your have set lines and times of communication. Dinner has always been a time for conversations. You have access to their grade website and can check their homework for them. You’ve been giving good night hugs for 18 years.
That’s not going to happen anymore.
For a lot of parents, this is your first experience with hands-off parenting. It’s your child’s first experience with being completely independent.
The temptation to hover and text-bomb is overwhelming. I’ve been there. I know.
But you’ve done the first 3 things on this list. You’ve set expectations. You’ve got a communication plan. You’ve set a budget.
Now it’s time to be patient. They’re being swept up into campus life. Making friends, trying out new routines, getting used to classes. Maybe you have a kid who will text you with every revelation they have. Maybe you have someone like my kid who will reply to questions with a single letter. Let them find their footing, and be patient while they do.
If you’re tempted to “help” them, find a different activity to take your focus. Like a walk or knitting or write a letter to or call a friend. Fight the urge to push or hover.
The transformation our kiddo made between the time we dropped him off in the fall and when we picked him up in the spring was staggering. So much more mature and self-confident. I’m really loving this adult he’s turning into and I’m excited for this year’s journey.
Parents, the training wheels are off. They’re on their big kid bikes pedaling furiously and fighting for balance as they feel the wind on their faces for the first time. It’s an exhilarating moment for them. Bittersweet for us.
Parents, it’s time to step back and watch the magic happen.
Mindy Carlson 
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